Two and a Half Men
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| Date (↑) | Episode # | Title | Network | Rating | Share | Viewers | Watch/Purchase DVD/Download |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 10/03/2005 | 03-003 | Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark | CBS | 9.3 | 14 | 14.2 | 
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| 10/10/2005 | 03-004 | Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs | CBS | 9.8 | 14 | 15.2 |
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| 10/17/2005 | 03-005 | We Called It Mr. Pinky | CBS | 10.2 | 15 | 15.6 |
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| 10/24/2005 | 03-006 | Hi, Mr. Horned One | CBS | 10.8 | 15 | 16.8 |
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| 11/07/2005 | 03-007 | Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop | CBS | 10.4 | 15 | 16.2 |
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| 11/14/2005 | 03-008 | That Voodoo That I Do Do | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 15.2 |
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| 11/21/2005 | 03-009 | Madame and Her Special Friend | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 15.7 |
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| 11/28/2005 | 03-010 | Something Salty and Twisted | CBS | 10.6 | 15 | 16.5 |
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| 12/19/2005 | 03-011 | Santa's Village of the Damned | CBS | 11.2 | 17 | 17.7 |
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| 01/09/2006 | 03-012 | That Special Tug | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 17.2 |
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| 01/23/2006 | 03-013 | Humiliation Is a Visual Medium | CBS | 10.7 | 15 | 17.1 |
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| 02/06/2006 | 03-014 | Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded | CBS | 10.3 | 15 | 16.3 |
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| 02/27/2006 | 03-015 | My Tongue Is Meat | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 17 |
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| 03/06/2006 | 03-016 | Ergo, the Booty Call | CBS | 10.9 | 16 | 17.1 |
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| 03/13/2006 | 03-017 | The Unfortunate Little Schnauser | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 17.4 |
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| 03/20/2006 | 03-018 | The Spit-Covered Cobbler | CBS | 10.5 | 15 | 16.7 |
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| 04/10/2006 | 03-019 | Golly Moses, She's a Muffin | CBS | 9.1 | 14 | 14.1 |
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| 04/24/2006 | 03-020 | Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro | CBS | 9.4 | 14 | 14.5 |
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| 05/01/2006 | 03-021 | And the Plot Moistens | CBS | 9.2 | 14 | 14.3 |
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| 05/08/2006 | 03-022 | Just Once with Aunt Sophie | CBS | 9.7 | 14 | 14.9 |
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| 05/15/2006 | 03-023 | Arguments for a Quickie (Part 1 of 2) | CBS | 7.3 | 10 | 11 |
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| 05/22/2006 | 03-024 | That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite | CBS | 9.8 | 15 | 15.5 |
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| 09/18/2006 | 04-001 | Working for Caligula | CBS | 9.7 | 14 | 15.1 |
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| 09/25/2006 | 04-002 | Who's Vod Kanockers? | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 15.3 |
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| 10/02/2006 | 04-003 | The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress | CBS | 10.2 | 15 | 15.8 |
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| 10/09/2006 | 04-004 | A Pot-Smoking Monkey | CBS | 10.4 | 15 | 16.4 |
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| 10/16/2006 | 04-005 | A Live Woman of Proven Fertility | CBS | 10.4 | 15 | 16.2 |
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| 10/23/2006 | 04-006 | Apologies for the Frivolity | CBS | 9.8 | 14 | 15 |
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| 11/06/2006 | 04-007 | Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head | CBS | 9.1 | 13 | 14.5 |
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| 11/13/2006 | 04-008 | Release the Dogs | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 15.8 |
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| 11/20/2006 | 04-009 | Corey's Been Dead for an Hour | CBS | 9.4 | 14 | 15 |
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| 11/27/2006 | 04-010 | Kissing Abraham Lincoln | CBS | 9.8 | 14 | 15.5 |
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| 12/11/2006 | 04-011 | Walnuts and Demerol | CBS | 10 | 15 | 15.7 |
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| 01/08/2007 | 04-012 | Castrating Sheep in Montana | CBS | 9.6 | 14 | 14.8 |
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| 01/22/2007 | 04-013 | Don't Worry, Speed Racer | CBS | 10 | 14 | 15.8 |
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| 02/05/2007 | 04-014 | That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami | CBS | 11.2 | 16 | 17.7 |
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| 02/12/2007 | 04-015 | My Damn Stalker | CBS | 10 | 14 | 15.5 |
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| 02/19/2007 | 04-016 | Young People Have Phlegm Too | CBS | 10.4 | 15 | 16.6 |
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| 02/26/2007 | 04-017 | I Merely Slept with a Commie | CBS | 10.4 | 15 | 16.6 |
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| 03/19/2007 | 04-018 | It Never Rains in Hooterville | CBS | 7.6 | 11 | 11.7 |
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| 04/09/2007 | 04-019 | Smooth as a Ken Doll | CBS | 8.4 | 13 | 13.5 |
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| 04/16/2007 | 04-020 | Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot | CBS | 8.5 | 13 | 13 |
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| 04/23/2007 | 04-021 | Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous | CBS | 7.9 | 12 | 12.3 |
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| 04/30/2007 | 04-022 | Mr. McGlue's Feedbag | CBS | 8.7 | 13 | 13.7 |
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| 05/07/2007 | 04-023 | Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin' | CBS | 8.5 | 13 | 13.3 |
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| 05/14/2007 | 04-024 | Prostitutes and Gelato | CBS | 6.3 | 10 | 10.2 |
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| 09/24/2007 | 05-001 | Large Birds, Spiders and Mom | CBS | 8.5 | 12 | 13.6 |
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| 10/01/2007 | 05-002 | Media Room Slash Dungeon | CBS | 8.2 | 12 | 13.2 |
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| 10/08/2007 | 05-003 | Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo | CBS | 8.1 | 12 | 13 |
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| 10/15/2007 | 05-004 | City of Great Racks | CBS | 8.8 | 13 | 13.7 |
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